Ideation

The neighbors in the apartment on the other side of the wall, keep saying “she’s crazy.” I can’t take it any longer.  Been having suicdal thoughts. The “agencies” Here don’t want  to hear it and tell me to call 911 about my depression. I look around and try to find some compassion from someone. And all I get are feelings of resentment, indifferance and the sense that people would be happy if I wasn’t here. My problems are overwhelming. And I can’t take any more. My strength is running out. I’ve been trhough that whole”treatment” thing and it doesn’t help. I don’t need a pill I need caring and compassion. Not beeing proccessed” Like a part on an assembly line! There’s a difference! I love my cat but can’take  this much longer. Tired of feeling like my people are in poverty and lacking lifesaving medical care because we are Autistic. Like we are second-or fourth-class citizens. (While all those Syrian “refugeees” are being cared for) I have an apointment for a physical on Monday. But can’t get over the fact that they will do nothing about my lungs. It feels like something is squashing my lungs and I can hardly breath. Because only a small prt is left.  Tired of feeling that Autistics are supposed to shut up and take being treated so badly because we are handicapped. My apartment is almost empty. There is a feeling   here-where I live-that if your not a doper your a problem. Tired of my shoulder hurting every time I move. Tired of feeling like I should have died the day I was born.Why doesn’t my case manager drive me to the apointment on Monday? And save me a long bus ride and walk down a steep hill? is he lazy? Afraid of being seen with a “crazy” person in his car? Why is he even going to be there? I can’t take NT’s attitudes about those of us on the spectrum. Also towards Autism speaks and the Judge Rotenberg center. Stigma. No matter how loud we scream. I can’t take all that thinking of the so-called Autism community regarding anyone who might favor a cure. For a disorder that makes my life a living hell. And I don’t care how much they resent me I would take a cure in a heartbeat. Are they faking their condition? Autism speaks is only a small part of what we face. Yet their focus  on a cure has caused the “community” to waste valuable time energy and resources on “Boycott Autism speaks” garbage. Stop it NT fakers Autism speaks is not the problem. Those in the “community” are. There is no proof the the orginization is involved in eugencs. Reach out and help other Autistics!!! I’m tired of feeling so bad about the toy dinoasur I got yesterday. It’s hard to value myself when others think so little of me. I look at myself through their eyes. Tired of feeling like a piece of well, saying garbage is an understatement. A few days ago someone had to pay for something I bought antd it was very embarassing. Well they didn’t have to. But putting me money on the counter to count it and not having enough was hard to bear.   Can’t take animals being neglected and abused any longer. It really bothers me. And nothing is done about it here despite the laws. Abandoned all the time. Tired of being called and thought of as “crazy” whenever I show any concern for those suffering around me. Sick of the total indifferance. Would love to open a pet rescue. And ask people for clothes they no longer want. To take to tent city. I might feel like I was worth something. Oh I forgot! Nobody wants me to feel like I’m worth something! And yet they treat me like I’m a resented nothing because I’m just sitting here feeling wothless. Also I might improve the lives of those pets or homeless ones. Might ease their suffering! Oh my gosh no! Well, I have stuff to do. Have a nice day. Hope this hasn’t brought you down too much.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s