A card carrying family member?

This is kind of hard for me t write and explain. It seems my family only considers someone a relative if they have money. they have always treated me that way. I live-and lived-on disability income. Wich means poverty. While my sister traveled all over the world. It was-and is-like I was born on the wrong side of the family tracks. So what if I was wearing second hand clothes. If I got a sweater on sale after graduating while a sibling got an expensive camera. So what I was told we had no money and financial and other  troubles because  of me. While my sister lived at home and had so much of everything. So what if my mom had to climb down an icy flight of cinder block steps to get to a car. In labor. For a ride to the hospital.  The night I was born. A street ran right in front of the house. My dad wasn’t even there. Even though he’d been present for the births of my brothers and sisters. It seemed my mom and I just weren’t considered good enough by anyone but the driver. Today my family treats me the same way. They live their lives as if I don’t exist. Avoiding me. where I used to the same live they wouldn’t even come inside the building. Didn’t want to be seen in low income housing. Others were treated the same way there so it wasn’t just me. I’m struggling so hard. My progress means nothing to them. The email I just read…the family members who have ignored me for decades…if feels like a stab in the heart. It is so painful. No matter how hard I try I will always be handicapped poor in rundown apartments and…it feels like I’m being punished. I have no friends accept my cat and need my family. Well there’s one friend in England that emails me. I can’t take the pain anymore. The way so-called “caregivers”  treat me because I’m damaged. Since when is Autism a sin or a crime? The Bible says to neglect your family is worse than being an unbeliever. I guess that is if your a card carrying member. I’m referring to a credit card. The job the car the bank account. The house. It seems like a perfect metaphor for my life.  I begin to blame myself. Did as a child too. If I hadn’t been handicapped…if I hadn’t gone to all those doctors…had  all those meltdowns…would things have been different? There’s so much pain in my life right now. And no matter what I do to try to improve my living circumstances all I get is manipulated yelled at and lied to by those who want to run my life for me. I’m made to feel like a burden on the world. As if I’m ruining everyone else’s life by being here. As if this is what I get for being Autistic. I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above the water. And every time I grab hold of something the people who are supposed to be helping me pull it away. Things are steadily getting worse.I can’t keep struggling much longer. Alright. No family members for me. Who needs them? All the people in my life are jerks. My faith is crumbling. If my poverty means I’m not good enough…the increased violence where I live. The drugs. The fear. The corruption that prevents me from living in a safe place.  Worrying about my cat. Maybe not having that card does mean I’m not good enough. A family member. They always do something for each other’s birthdays while I spend mine alone with my beloved kitty. Doesn’t not having money or that card really make me a loser? Jesus lived in poverty too but He chose it. Feels like a big knife that is permanantly stuck in my chest. The more it cuts the more I blame myself. Well, I don’t need “family” that treats me like I have to have that stupid card. It does not make anyone better?  Does it? Or family for that matter. May I not view anyone else on earth that way. So much pain in my life may God use it for good.


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