Unbearable…

My payee did not send me the money I desperately needed this week. I’m hungry and have no bathroom tissue. The way that people who are supposed to be “working with me” do nothing. They come over here and do all there  talking. Then leave and bill the government. It is defrauding the government and defrauding the insurence. Nobody talks to the payee sitting there in her ivory tower. I can’t take it anymore. My depression is severe. I get sick when I don’t eat. I have actually condidered cancelling my disability check so those monsters don’t get their greedy hands on it. I wish the would move to Aphganistan. I hate them. I can litarilly their evil and cannot cope with it any longer. Have considered harming myself. Have contacted a counselor at a crisis center but it doesn’t help. The fact that I am living this poor while others are cashing in on my plight makes me want to scream. All the hypocritical “preaching” by all the preachers, and hate and blaiming of those of us on this disability income is more than I can stand. I have begun to blame and dispise myself. And wonder if I even have any right to live. I feel so alone abandond exploited mocked ignored taken advantage of and hated. I think of what others have told me about my disorder and blame myself. Others tell me how “strong” I am. I have no strenght left. It’s hard to put my faith in God when all His promises seem empty. But He’s all I’ve got left. Him and Shania. my beloved kitty. But how will I take care of her with no money? This problem with my lungs is getting worse and worse. How will I care for her when it gets really bad? Some things I use to cope were either thrown away or stolen on Friday. I can’t afford to replace them. Have lost almost everything. How can a payee get away with such theivery? No hobbies no books no DVD no no nothing. I can barely afford enough food when the stupid check does come. The place where my payee works have been doing this to people for several years and getting away with it. Emotionally I feel like I’m drowning or dying. Screaming for help and all anybody does is exploit mock and ignore me further. If-if!-the stupid check does come tomarrow ir will be next weeks check not tthis  week’s. How can people close their eyes like that?  Somtimes I think the people in my life would be happy if I wasn’t here. In my family I was taught that if you don’t have money your nothing. I’m terribly lonely and can’t socialize. That payee is one evil person. Will not really be surprised if the check doesn’t come tomarrow. Why should I go to a soup kitchen when the payee probably goes to resteraunts on client’s money? It wasn’t this bad before the rental voucher. Will try to keep going. Don’t know how long I’ll be able to. The money won’t come till Friday. You watch.

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