Do I not deserve to live because I’m Autistic!???

My ribs are literally killing me. I can feel it. My spine is twisting my bones and causing them to squeeze and compress my lungs. It’s getting worse every day. I have to work very hard just to take a breath. My heart beats faster and harder with the increasing effort. It will not be long before my breathing stops permenantly. The doctors did ex-rays and could see the problem but claimed it was allergies. (like hell) Most of the people in the medical profession-all of them-family members and others don’t seem to think I deserve treatment because I’m handicapped!! I’m dameged so I don’t count!! I have describeed my condition so many times…but they either downplay it or have the same ablist atitude. One so-called “friend” seems to think I don’t deserve treatment to save my life because I am too old! I”m fifty three but that doesn’t matter.  All those around me regardless of age receive medical care when needed. They are not Autistic or neurologically impared. The problem with my lungs is cutting off the flow of oxygen to my brain. I’m getting weaker. And have to walk down a long steap hill to buy food or catch a bus. My so-called “caregiver” is unreliable despite my having told her and the place where she works about my breatrhing problems. No one will help me. It’s all “pass the buck” in my state. I wonder how much longer I have to live.  I will probably die with not a single person around me.That the impossible living conditions and constant stigma have me wondering if I will pass from suicide instead of my lungs. (The number one cause of death in high functioning Autistic people is suicide) The total disregard for my health condition leaves me wondering if people would be happy if I wasn’t here. There is a complete lack of compassion. The only response is to “treat” my Autism. Like a disease. And ignore my lungs. And when I say treat I mean a pill. To shut me up. I worry what will happen to my poor beloved kitty when I’m gone. Don’t know how long I’ll last. Or where I’ll be when it happens. Hope it isn’t in public. And don’t want the medical professionals-who refuse to save my life-to get my organs. That’s all I am to them. In the words of the woman who made the video Autism speaks is the enemy,  Cindy, “does my voice really matter so little? Am I just a puzzle piece making noise? Or am I being drowned out by blue lights and cure campaigns? ” Does my life really matter so little?  Where is the obsession with “curing” us now? When I need doctors to keep me alive probably?  The only cure they are interest in is make us apear to be neurotypicals. Cost what it may to us on the spectrum.  In suffering and lives. The trouble with my ribs won’t go away with everyone ignoring that fact that it is killing me.


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