The little red hen and me.

Whenever somebody asks for my help, I feel really bad for saying no.  But, I”m tired of people when I need something are nowhere to be found. Someone may say they need money for the bus. But where are they when I’m hungry? And can’t afford food. When my apartment is as cold indoors as it is outside. In West Virginia winter. Another promise broken. By the system. By so-called caregivers. By others. Lying to me since I was eight. Everyone expecting my to make such a huge effort for caregivers when they do nothing to help me. I’m sick hungry scared alone in need of clothes depressed, at risk. “Family” who are distant an ignore me. Feeling guilty for not having money for presents at Christmas. And spending the holiday alone. Heartbroken. With my cat. (bless my cat) Struggeling to help family understand my Autism an feeling like I have to climb mountains and perform miracles just to be good enough. And they don’t listen. Being blamed for everything when someone hurts or abuses me. Being rejected for housing that only wants elderly. Trying to function and cope beyond my limits and having people tell me I need to make more effort and stop being Autistic-aka a brat-when caregivers don’t do their job. Feeling like my health condition is litteraly killing me and nobody cares. Having everyone get ticked off when I complain about Autism speaks. Being afraid of this coming winter and people getting upset, when I want them to do something more than run their mouths because I don’t want to freeze. Then they get upset because I don’t shut up and experience unbearable conditions. To hear then lie again about getting space heaters. While not saying a word about the landlord fixing the broken heater. (same story last year) Having my dreams trampled on. Being treated like I’m worthless and not good enough because I don’t have much money. Getting stigmatized for being boring after begging for therapy that doesn’t happen. Begging and pleading, basically, for something as simple as proof of income. Only to be fed the usual lie “I mailed it.” Desperately trying to find another payee. Alone. Tired of feeling like I don’t deserve to be treated like a human being becase I’m damaged and worthless.  When needing to be treated like a human being is regarded as a desease. Where are the people then who want my help? When Christmas comes? When they want money for the bus? I’m not here to be used and forgotten. Put on a shelf and ignored. The only ones I am going to help now are myself and my cat. This little red hen’s had enough.

 

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