I’m having a blue Christmas that’s certain…

Is anyone else with Autism having problems with the holidays? My caregiver stigmatized me to a store clerck in front of me today. Laughing. It was not funny. Everyone, the caregiver, the place where she works, people in public and family see me as a desease to be fixed and not as a person. I am unable to walk down the hill where I live for health reasons. Live up a holler. Feel like a prisoner. My caregiver-I’ll call her Ann-comes up here five days a week. but being stuck here doesn’t help. It seems like every little thing in my life is being said or done in the mode of “treatement.” Like the sterile enviroment of a hospital. Ann is usually nice. Fixed my hair. Drives me places. We are making a gingerbread house. Makes sure I eat and take my meds. Took me to her house for Thanksgiving. It’s as if I have no physical contact with the outside world. Totally controlled. My whole life so an organization can make money off of me. And my family doesn’t have to be bothered with me. Many times I think people would be happy if I wasn’t here. Can’t take all the “joy” of Christmas and the crap going on in my life. All I see in people’s faces is either stigma pity or sterile “treatment” garbage. I’m hurting. I need compassion not pills. Trying to hold onto my faith but it’s hard. It turns out I’ve got an enlarged heart. Can’t exercise. Can’t walk down the hill to go anywhere. It really feels bad sometimes and I have the feeling the cardiologist is just going to want to keep me sick to make money. A pacemaker. Pills. No improvement. Ann will just want to keep me helpless and sort of try to treat me like a child.(does most ove the time anyway) I can’t take this much longer. My family seems to think that Christmas is all about money-for the most part-and will leave me to spend the twenty fifth alone. Really depressed. Hate the holidays. Sort of. Need to talk to a professional who will not prescribe meds I can’t take or have me locked up. My favorite Christmas song is Elf’s lament. Oh well. Will keep going for my cat Shania’s sake. But this is definately a blue Christmas.

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