Boycotting my life.

I am trying to reach a counselor on a suicide hotline. Having trouble getting through. I live in a very small apartment complex and right outside my window the neighbors are having a party in my yard. It is 1:10 a.m. Maybe not quite a party, table some things on fire on it and all. Voices very loud. Every other thing out of their mouths is “she’s crazy.” Someone knocked on the door and it scared me. A person could easlily climb into my window in the other room.  I am very upset about the fact that every time a person on the spectrum is victimized, it is downplayed or we hear “oh but…” Not matter how bad it is. It is hot as fire in here and the general manager and all the other men around here are too lazy and sissy to put the air conditioner in the window.  Fan doesn’t help much. It feels like my bones are twisting and puting pressure on my lungs till it is harder and harder to breathe. My body is suffering due the lack of oxygen. So is my brain. I am very sensitive to temperature and noise. My cat won’t quit meowing. Don’t get me wrong I love my cat. The stigma of Autistic people has me very upset. Whenever I ask my “caregivers” for help with things all they do is say “well, we will move you in about a month.” They are very vague and make excuses and do little to help me. My caregiver is almost impossible to work with.  No doctor or therapist will take my insurance  or it isn’t covered. There’s this organization that is known for doing nothing is supposed to be working with me-and the insurance covers it. But when I need therapy or medical treatment, forget it. I’m trying so hard just to cope. To breathe. It seems like people know my lung problem could kill me so they are just waiting around till it happens. My system has so little oxygen that many times it feels like I will pass out. I asked the caregiver to take me to a new pizza place nearby today and she said she would. But didn’t . Was it asking so much? I can feel my body getting weaker.  So, I’m worthless because I’m living below the poverty level? Am I garbage because I’m Autistic? Do I have a right to live?  Maybe I don’t have that right. I may not make it much longer. Wonder wich one will destroy me first? Autistic people often die eighteen years sooner than NT’s. That will probably be true in my case. Can’t take this anymore.  The party outside.  Still can’t get through to the hotline. I am boycotting my life.


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