My computer kept crashing. Once I got it up, many of the problems that my internet was having disapeared. Laptop keeps crashing. Right now it works. But I keep thinking about self harm. I told my caregivers about it in no uncertain terms. Two of them were here discussing my Comcast problems. I yelled at them that I had been thinking about suicide. They did nothing. One kept talking about internet then they left, one was actually chuckling. Suicide is not funny. The people who work where my caregiver does, tell me if I consider suicide I need to call 9-11. The problem is the guilt I feel about the ambulance bill. An earlier one-for an unrelated cause-was about $400. And the support people had me feeling bad about the expense. And I have been feeling…telling myself…that the money is more important than my well-being or life. Only my therapist has felt otherwise. I haven’t been able to connect with my neighbors. Going certain places with my caregiver-since I don’t drive-helps. But with the unpredictability of unreliable support team My anxiety gets worse. Not knowing if I’ll make it to therapy. Caregivers swiched and changing shift and arrival times my symptoms are getting worse. There is hardly anyone in my life that isn’t being paid to medicallize or “fix” me. Family is distant. I feel trapped. Like I was moved here so I could hardly do anything without the caregivers being involved and billing for it. A lung doctor saw me yesterday. But dealing with all this constantly, without letup, feels like an increasingly heavy wait that is pressing down on me. Heavier all the time. The stress. I can’t take anymore. I feel like coontacting the National suicide prevention lifeline. But all they can really offer is a quick fix. (bless them though) The therapist uses basically a think happy thoughts aproach. I feel like I’m underwater with a very big rock on top of me. Trying to scream and nobody cares enough to pay attention. All the things online about suicidal thought recovery is about young people. Mostly. Well, one day at a time. Errands to run tomarrow. Hopefully the computer will keep working for the time being. Might contact the lifeline. The phone number for the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-3255.