I have been experiencing suicidal ideation every day. And it is getting worse. I took a look at the website for the Ntional suicide prevention lifeline. And found plenty of great resources for veterans, Native Americans, and attempt survivors, there is absolutely nothing for those of us on the spectrum. The Neorotribes are hurting so much. With Aspies ten times more likely to take our own lives. A search of the internet turned nothing but articles. I have been going through some serious depression. The only theraputic aproach to “treating” Autistic people with thoughts of self-harm or suicide is designed for NT’s. And while I’m grateful these exist, it is nothing but ableist descrimination. I contacted the Lifeline on Facebook about my concerns, and they told me that the lifeline would connect me to a local center and I need to speak to them about resources. But if Autistic people are left out then it is unacceptable. Talking on the phone is hard for those of us on the spectrum. They want us to suffer in silence. If we die they don’t care. I’d like to create some kind of resource for Autistics with suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. With people who know how to help. (not me) But I don’t know how to create something. My suicide ideation is getting worse. I am not putting down the Lifeline. But there is no excuse. My therapist just tells me to think happy thoughts. Doesn’t really help. Just covers up the pain for a while. Need a place to turn. The Lifeline has centers across the country. We need one for Autistic people.
The title off the song is the phone number for the National suicide prevention lifeline.
My computer kept crashing. Once I got it up, many of the problems that my internet was having disapeared. Laptop keeps crashing. Right now it works. But I keep thinking about self harm. I told my caregivers about it in no uncertain terms. Two of them were here discussing my Comcast problems. I yelled at them that I had been thinking about suicide. They did nothing. One kept talking about internet then they left, one was actually chuckling. Suicide is not funny. The people who work where my caregiver does, tell me if I consider suicide I need to call 9-11. The problem is the guilt I feel about the ambulance bill. An earlier one-for an unrelated cause-was about $400. And the support people had me feeling bad about the expense. And I have been feeling…telling myself…that the money is more important than my well-being or life. Only my therapist has felt otherwise. I haven’t been able to connect with my neighbors. Going certain places with my caregiver-since I don’t drive-helps. But with the unpredictability of unreliable support team My anxiety gets worse. Not knowing if I’ll make it to therapy. Caregivers swiched and changing shift and arrival times my symptoms are getting worse. There is hardly anyone in my life that isn’t being paid to medicallize or “fix” me. Family is distant. I feel trapped. Like I was moved here so I could hardly do anything without the caregivers being involved and billing for it. A lung doctor saw me yesterday. But dealing with all this constantly, without letup, feels like an increasingly heavy wait that is pressing down on me. Heavier all the time. The stress. I can’t take anymore. I feel like coontacting the National suicide prevention lifeline. But all they can really offer is a quick fix. (bless them though) The therapist uses basically a think happy thoughts aproach. I feel like I’m underwater with a very big rock on top of me. Trying to scream and nobody cares enough to pay attention. All the things online about suicidal thought recovery is about young people. Mostly. Well, one day at a time. Errands to run tomarrow. Hopefully the computer will keep working for the time being. Might contact the lifeline. The phone number for the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-3255.
Have you ever noticed that Autism is the only health condition where the “cure” is completely unwelcome by those who have it? The “fix” none of us wants? Where the “sufferers” are not given a choice about treatment to make the “disease” look and sound invisible? Where the person is regarded as a “problem” and a “plague” ? Heart disease cancer diabetes and high blood pressure are spoken of as something someone has. All my life I have been treated as somebody with issues who needs to “improve” have caregivers or meds. (I no longer take meds) I am so tired of it!!! It’s exhausting. Mentally emotionally and physically. Why aren’t I treated like a person!? Can’t take much more. Nobody with heart conditions or other ailments mentioned above are regarded as the health condtions they have. Nobody ever addresses another person as a heart disease a stroke or a cancer. When asked why they would quickly answer that it would be insensitive. Yet those same people think nothing of calling Autistic people names that are just as hurtful. No one asks if we want ABA electric shock vaccines meds or any of the other “remedies” out there. NT’s have no idea what it’s like. Nore do they care. Most of them. Two days in a row my caregiver has not shown up. When I ask and ask for help with a major problem I’m having I’m ignored or laughed at. My depression is bad all the time. Missed therapy and the labs I needed to get. Guess they don’t consider me a person of much importance. Since I’m a “disease” that won’t go away. Having gone through this crap-while having a srious medical condition ignored-is more hurtful than I can dsecribe. Including from family. I can only hope that NT’s will one day try to stop “treating” us. And realize the “cure” is much worse-and unwelcome-that the “desease.”
I borrowed the audiobook Neurotribes from the library. And it kept going on about a cure. It spoke about family after family, and what the parents “suffered” in a way to “fix” their children. No input from the kids was involved. In fact no consideration from the Autistic people was sought whatsoever. Either in the cases mentioned or the writing of the book itself. These “experts” had no right to speak for us. I realized that no matter how many times we post write talk speak up or try to educate neurotypicals about the harmful effects of “curing” us, they are not going to listen. It’s like they are determined to continue harming Autistic children through their selfish thinking. Every attempt to “heal” those of us on the spectrum always involves suppressing or ending the aspects of our condition-for lack of a better word-that the don’t want to see or hear. No matter how much input they recieve from us. It’s as if they are determined to turn Autistic people into robots without the slightest consideration for what we might experience. It gets me very upset and deppressed. I hate that book. Would the authors have supported Autism speaks? I didn’t finish listening to it. The hostility toward us is very painful. For wich the ABA crowd has shown little sympathy. It seems that most NT’s have that attitude. I would like to have a cure if it actually worked. But would be very wary. Avoid the Neurotribes book by Steve Silberman. These “experts” don’t need your support. The real ones do. I will return the audiobook to the library as soon as possible.
Apalachian Aspie has been included on the Auctiually Autistic blog list.